I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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