here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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