I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You need Xanax blowdarts
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
