True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
