I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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