I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
