why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
