if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
