you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
