woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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