my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
