Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
