The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
