did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
