Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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