she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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