I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
