Moan for me like Helen Keller
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
my being single is dangerous.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
