theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
