You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just had sex bonerless
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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