just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Shame - the story of my life.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
