I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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