Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
