we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
