Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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