There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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