dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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