walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
