During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
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