happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
