She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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