I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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