My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
