Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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