there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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