honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
