The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
