he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
