I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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