theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm too high and old for this...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
