My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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