This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
