Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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