i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
