she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
