It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
