Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
