hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I had to cum in my sink.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
