So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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