she woke up with a sticky ear
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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