Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
