My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
