My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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