she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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