Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
