The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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