I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
