The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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