The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I woke up under a house in Key West
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
