I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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