so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
