watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
