If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
