he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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