I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
