I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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