Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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