Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
