apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
